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YGA: What are the feelings you have about being in the closet?

Alec: At times, it sucks. Absolutely no one knows about it, but I think some people wonder. I don’t want anyone to know, because it would destroy my entire family. I live in a conservative, Christian area where open gayness is not acceptable. I just wish I could go out with a guy!! 🙁

YGA: Do you feel like you are living a lie?

Alec: No, only when people jokingly say, “are you gay?!”, and my response is “no!”

YGA: Do you think your parents will take it well?

Alec: No, not at all. They would disown me.

YGA: What about your friends?

Alec: The few friends I have would completely leave me alone.

YGA: What are you afraid of most?

Alec: That someday my Internet history will not get cleared and it will get found…also, eternity (hell)

YGA: What do you wish for more than anything else?

Alec: That it wasn’t a sin to be gay (which I think it is), and that everyone could be OK with gay people, and that I could have an awesome (sexual) relationship with a guy.

YGA: Do you have anyone you can talk to about coming out?

Alec: No, no one at all.

YGA: What do you think coming out of the closet will bring you?

Alec: FREEDOM

YGA: How has the internet helped you find out about yourself and start the process of coming out?

Alec: I realized that I can have sex with a man, and that I don’t have to be a woman (haha). Opened my world to gayness..which might be a bad thing..

YGA: What other resources if any have you used? I.E. books, counseling, pamphlets, help lines, TV shows, porn etc etc ..

Alec: Internet porn frequently 🙁 , my internal (mental) fantasies!!!

YGA: Any other things you want to say?

Alec: I live in a secluded area where I have been taught that homosexuality is wrong, and I believe it is, but I cannot resist the urges. I wonder why God has given me this trouble. I wonder if he is telling me to overcome it and I will be rewarded, or to go ahead with it and have sex and go to hell, or to be open and tell others that homosexuality is right……oh HELP!
YGA: What are the feelings you have about being in the closet?

ALEX: It’s shit on a cracker! That’s my new favorite phase. I have the hugest crush on this gal that I’ve known for 3 years, and I don’t know if she’s into….. girls you know? I can never be me, and I’m a very open person so that puts a damper on things.

YGA: Do you feel like you are living a lie?

ALEX: Yes and no. No because nobody has every asked me and I was never forced into a situation like that. Yes, because act like I’m straight and it’s really getting quite annoying.

YGA: Do you think your parents will take it well?

ALEX: My parents are the most narrow-minded people you will every meet. They’ll completely freak out, disown me and kick me out of the house and all that. I guess maybe it’s just because they were raised that way.

YGA: What are you afraid of most?

ALEX: My mom and I don’t have a very good relationship and frankly I don’t really care what she thinks of me. My dad though is so cool. He’s one of those parents that every teenager dreams of, only one problem, he’s homophobic. I’m afraid of losing my family and friends. Unlike most people here who have relatives over every holiday, my entire family, aunts, cuzs, grandparents, all live half way around the world in China. I don’t get to see them at all. This summer I went back for a month and I just couldn’t believe ten years had just went by. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I worship my grandfather and as far as i’m concerned, he walked on water. When I was little, he took me all over the city seeing the palaces and stuff. Right before I got on the plane, he told me to come back soon. As I walked passed the gates I took one last look at him and started crying because who knows when I’ll see him again. I don’t even know how to say gay in Chinese. How am I suppose to tell them?

YGA: What do you wish for more than anything else?

ALEX: I wish I don’t have to risk everything to be me.

YGA: Do you have anyone you can talk to about coming out?

ALEX: I’ve just told one friend of mine and the only reason I did was b/c I know it was no big deal to her and she can keep a secret.

YGA: What do you think coming out of the closet will bring you?

ALEX: Pain and loss, isolation and loneliness, and hopefully the gal of my dreams. I am sure I am one Asian in a million who loves country music as much as I do. I totally Texanized. Cowboy hat and all.

YGA: How has the internet helped you find out about yourself and start the process of coming out?

ALEX: It just kind of brought my attention to the way I feel about gals. It’s really a great place for me to vent.

YGA: What other resources if any have you used? I.E. books, counseling, pamphlets, help lines, TV shows, porn etc etc

ALEX: TV shows, books on the net and that’s about it. I tend to stay away from porn.

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